I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make
anyone think twice....
- More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
Almost HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.
In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the
home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years;
infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died
in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and
Influenza ravaged whole nations.
More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24
hours of eating bread.
Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been
proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than
that in one month!
Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as
little as two days.
Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
"harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even
Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is
more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could
lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food
product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
Newborn babies can choke on bread.
Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees
Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than
Many American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following
No sale of bread to minors.
A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete
celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
societal ills we might be able to associate with bread.
No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
Bread in California will be limited to no more than 10 slices per loaf.
Automatic toasters will be banned or at least require a criminal
background check and a special license to be purchased by the toaster
Bread may not be sold over the internet unless the transfer is to a
dealer with a Federal Bread License (FBL dealer).
Carrying bread in a brown paper sack (i.e. the infamous bag lunch) is
banned in Massachusetts, Chicago, New York City, Washington DC and
Minnesota. Several other communities and states require a
license - which may or may not be granted depending on the whim of the
It's obvious to some that outright ownership of bread should be banned
and anyone found carrying bread is toast.
Remember: Think idiotically, act globally, or you cannot claim to
be a good liberal.