Darwin? Awards 1999
Darwin Awards are (by definition) granted posthumously. This citation
is bestowed upon that individual (or their remains), who through
single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to add clorine
to the human gene pool.
So here are the runners-up for this year's Award.
- (15 July 1999, Alabama)
A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall,
precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan
was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in
order to add his body momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation,
his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold
of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24
feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a blood alcohol
content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his
opportunity to win a Darwin Award.
- (11 August 1999)
A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving
near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that
the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially
occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier.
He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough
to totally obscure everything except the sun.
- (25 May 1999, Ukraine)
A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the River
Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply
of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock
killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The
man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire,
and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist,
the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first
anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.
- (16 August 1999, Germany)
A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The
51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest.
A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was
howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the
trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.
- (1991, Nicosia, Cypress)
Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near
Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the
reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim,
named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his
shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled
the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.
- (August 1999, Australia)
Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan,
a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by
dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a
drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time
limit and a sliding point scale ranging from one point for beer to
eight points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total
of 236 (winners never quit), which had also netted him the literally
staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, seven times greater than
Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the
usual temple of overindulgence (the bathroom), Allan was helped back
to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent.
A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4
bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within an hour and 40 minutes, his
blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited
several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was
much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent
of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan
required any further embalming.
- (28 January 1999, London)
A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and
pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by
dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a
power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking
Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham,
in northeastern England. "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next
thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbor Alan Renfry
told reporters.
First Runner Up Award goes to:
(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh)
Decades of armed strife have littered Cambodia with unexploded
munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with
the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing
drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern
province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued
for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded antitank
mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three
men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then
stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes
later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the
three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh
because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea
newspaper reported.
And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is:
(5 September 1999, Jerusalem)
The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among
terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday,
two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three
terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed
that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs.
A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions..
Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight
savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot,
involving pre sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist
time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared
in a Palestine controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time.
The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result,
the cars were still enroute when the explosives detonated,
delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.