ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

• Smart Man + Smart Woman = romance
• Smart Man + Dumb Woman = affair
• Dumb Man + Smart Woman = marriage
• Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

• Smart Boss + Smart employee = profit
• Smart Boss + Dumb employee = production
• Dumb Boss + Smart employee = promotion
• Dumb Boss + Dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS STATISTICS

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

• To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
• To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

• Old Aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.