Chemical Analysis of Women

Discovered by: ADAM

Atomic weight: Average expected as 118, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100 to 180, with highly radioactive occurrences at 250 and above (avoid at all costs).

Occurrences: Surplus quantities in very few areas.

Chemical Properties:

  1. Possesses great affinity for GOLD(Au), Silver(Ag), Platinum(Pt), and precious and semi-precious stones and minerals.
  2. Capable of absorbing great quantities of expensive substances.
  3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male.
  4. Insoluble in liquids (such as water), but activity greatly increased with saturation in ethanol.
  5. Yields to pressure if applied to correct points at correct times.

Mental Properties:

  1. Difficult to ascertain due to the nature of the thought process that the specimen follows.
    • Revamped testing procedures are under study, but projected realization of test availability dates constantly slip.

Physical Properties:

  1. Surface very smooth and soft, with interesting irregularities.
  2. Some examples selectively cover tips of extremities in painted films.
    • Avoid those that apply different colored films to each fingernail.
    • Some specimens will exhibit a tendency toward thick applications of films resulting in eyes that look like they are bulging outof their heads. Beware of this variety as they may be prone to cracking resulting in a realization of what you see ain't what you get, or lead poisoning.
  3. Boils at nothing and freezes without warning.
  4. Melts if given proper treatment.
  5. Bitter if used incorrectly.
  6. Found in various states in nature, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
  7. Selective specimens have pleasant aroma.
  8. Warm to hold. Capable of warming other objects it is held close to (at times causing overheating).


  1. Can aid in relaxation.
  2. Most powerful reducing agent of money known.
  3. Some versions capable of brightening day.
  4. Can be used to stimulate the heart muscle of a male for whatever reason.
    • Use with CAUTION. Positive and negative results have been obtained for a given stimuli depending on version.
  5. Some instrumental in starting Global Warfare.
  6. Excellent memories for tasks that males forget.
  7. With flattery it is possible to get some versions to perform trivial tasks.


  1. Pure specimens turn rosy if discovered in the natural state.
  2. Turns bright green if placed nest to a better specimen.
  3. Becomes coy when confronted with truth.


  1. Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands.
  2. Illegal to posses more than one permanent specimen, in spite of the fact that specimens can and do obtain possession of more than one of the male gender and lie about it.
  3. Known for rendering telephones into melted slag.
  4. Affinity for rolling pins.
  5. Generally obtain lawyers for divorce settlements, that can render the phrase "weaker sex" an oximoron.